The Team Begins to Move

Wrong Ron On Road – The Team begins to move

Added to website 19 Nov 2013

Ring, Ring

“Hello, Psycho Anna Liszt speaking”

“It’s Wrong Ron, here, Psycho Anna”.

PAL: Ron, I thought you had totally forgotten about me.  How is life?

WR:  Well, it was pretty tough when the funds dried up.  But we have been travelling around the country and are about to play off for the right to represent BARF (the Barometer of Australian Rules Football, as you may recall) internationally.

PAL:  Wonderful; and who else is on the team?

WR:  Firstly, we needed a medical person.  You will remember that we had Ann aerobic as a personal trainer, but she wasn’t able to assist with injury and illness.  So we hired a nurse called Sister Fibrosis.

Sister brought with her two older men she had to look after.  They had just woken up from long comas.  The first guy was a soldier called “General” Sawness. He had been in a coma since 1965 and has just woken up.

The other man was also in the military and his name is Private Leigh Seething.  Leigh went into a coma in 1975 and has just awoken this month.

Sister gave us strict instructions that we need to introduce them to modern technology slowly.

Next, we hired this Singaporean guy called Wong Sing Lish.  He looks after the equipment as we move from place to place. It’s hard to understand him at times, but we manage somehow.

PAL:  Any gaps in the team to fill yet?

WR:  Well, we needed a runner.  We hired Penny Dredfell, who writes for Longggey.  She is a brilliant sprinter.  Not as fast as Sally Pearson, mind you, but she gets the messages out to the team in no time flat.

Then we have Dreamy Dave.  He does a lot of dreaming, as his name suggests.  His job is like a PA who arranges meetings, does bookings and he now handles the incoming calls for our team.

William Wordsmith is a poet, but also another tall to assist Matt E Matical in an otherwise vertically challenged team.

The only other team member I need to tell you about is Eee Madgin.

PAL:  Do tell!

WR:  Well, when Mal Prop heard we had recruited a guy called Madgin, he was so excited.  He kept on raving about him being the Magin who played for the Gold Coast Suns for 2011 and 2012.  We didn’t have the heart to tell Mal it wasn’t Alik Magin we were getting, but rather Eee Madgin.

Mal was SOOOOOO convinced we were going to need a bit more talent to win the upcoming footy comp.  To add fuel to the fire, Dreamy Dave told Mal about a dream he had.  In the dream, Dave saw that Madgin was going to be the one who most influenced us winning the comp.

Anyway, Eee Madgin was driven to our club rooms in a mini bus.  Mal was first in queue to greet our new arrival.  Out of the car jumped the driver.  He vaguely resembled Alik Magin.  A beaming Mal ran up and shook his hand vigorously.

The young man took a step back and said, “I’ll get Mr Madgin’s case out”.  Then, in a scene to rival Cat Ballou’s disappointment when Kid Shelleen fell out of the back of the stage coach, a frail, elderly man grasped his walking stick and slowly made his way up to Mal.

“Pleased to meet you, young man”, he said “I am Eee Madgin”.

“But weren’t we getting Alik Magin?”, Mal queried.

“No relation, I’m afraid”, replied Eee.

PAL:  How did Mal handle that monumental setback

WR:  In typical Mal fashion.  He grabbed Eee’s bags, took them up to the club rooms and stormed off.  Later, he called an emergency meeting with myself, Dreamy Dave and Mark Buck.

“Okay”, Mal snorted, “what’s with your stupid dream, Dave?  This guy is 50 years past his best!”

“I just pictured the guy’s name in a dream”, retorted Dave; “and in the dream he was our secret weapon.”

“Actually, I get the distinct impression that Dave’s dream is correct” Mark interjected.

“Right, Mark”, said Mal, “do you believe in miracles?”

“I’ve seen them right in front of my eyes, Mal”, came the response

“Well, we need one right now!” Mal demanded.  “Let’s see, how do we ask God to make the old foggy*, this old cudgel*, into a young champion?  Mark, you’re the pastor, you know what to say!”

“Why, exactly, have we enlisted Mr Eee Madgin, Ron?” inquired Mark.

“He’s an inventor”, I uttered.  “Not only will he be inventing little gadgets for us, but I also want him to invent new ways of playing footy.”

“New ways of playing footy, my foot!” shouted Mal. “At this rate, Richmond will win a flag before we get to go overseas. Mark, I want you to do that prayer thing – whatever it is that you do – and I want to see a young champion first thing tomorrow morning!”

He charged out of the room.  About two minutes later, he slunk back into the room.  “Of course, you are the boss, Ron”, noted Mal, “so I’ll leave it in your capable hands.  Do you think I got carried away a bit?”

“Maybe so, Mal,” I responded, “and I think you underestimate Eee.”

Anyway, Eee settled in well and Matt E Matical liked him very much.  We were about to go on our first training camp out of Melbourne.  We let Ann Aerobic choose the venue of the first camp.  She chose Warrnambool.  Eee and Matt discussed the possibility of creating a GPS which worked by postcode.  Soon, Eee had adapted a standard GPS to be programmed by entering a postcode.

Early the next morning, we were to set off in the team bus.  Mal was driving the first leg.  Our two old soldiers were down the back of the bus, being tended to be Sister Fibrosis.  She kept them away from all the iPhones, iPads and the like.

Eee explained to Mal how the GPS worked.  “Just punch in the postcode, Mal”, said Eee.  “The screen may give you a variety of options if one postcode covers multiple small towns.  You know, like 3012 is Maidstone as well as West Footscray.  Just click on the correct town name and you’ll be in business.”

“But I don’t know how to spell Warrnambool”, replied Mal.

“So long as you type in 3280 and select the town that begins with a WAR and ends in an L, you can’t go wrong.”

Mal got into the drivers seat, punched in the numbers and drove off.  Because it was prior to sunrise, the rest of us had a snooze while Mal took us for a ride.

About half an hour into the journey, the sun rose.  Ann was the first to wake.  She went up to Mal and asked, “Where are we going?”

Mal: To Warrnambool

Ann: Which is which direction from Melbourne?

Mal: West

Ann: So we are heading west, correct?

Mal: Of course

Ann: So why is the sun rising in the west, then?

Mal:  Look, if the sun decides to rise in the west for once, is it MY FAULT?  Leave me alone, and I’ll get you to Warrnambool quicker.

Ann (looking at the GPS):  Mal, you’ve typed in 3820 Warragul; it should have been 3280 Warrnambool!

Mal:  Eee said as long as I pick the town beginning with WAR and anding in L, all will be well.

Ann: Not if you’re going to 3820 Warragul.

Mal pulled over to the side of the freeway, typed in 3820, then selected Warrnambool.  “A little scenic detour, folks”, said Mal.

We had agreed to stop at Geelong on the way for a tour of Kardinia Park.  Fortunately, that was one place Mal had NOOOOOO trouble locating.  Before we began to alight, I let them all know we are going on a “Home of the Geelong Cats” tour.  I told them that we might possibly meet Chris Scott, Brian Cook or Neil Balme.

Everyone filed off the bus and Dreamy Dave did a quick count.  One missing.  We went back inside the bus to find Private Leigh Seething hiding in the back corner.

“What’s the matter, Leigh?”, inquired Sister Fibrosis.

“Balmey is too scary for me”, Leigh replied, “he might hit me!”

I ensured the private that Balmey hadn’t been scary for years, apart from getting a bit grumpy when interviewed by the press.

Eventually, Leigh cautiously inched out of the bus.  He was still greatly relieved to find out the Neil Balme wasn’t on site that day.

We then proceeded to Warrnambool and arrived over an hour late, but we were glad to be touring the countryside.

PAL:  Thanks for filling us in, Ron.  By the way, how did you like the Tigers this year?

WR:  All was fantastic until the finals.  But now I live in hope.  Will report in again.

PAL:  Look forward to it, Ron


* Mal and his malapropisms again