Wrong Ron on Road 2

Wrong Ron On Road – The Chaplain Arrives

Added to website 21 Dec 2011


Ring, Ring

“Hello, Psycho Anna Liszt speaking”

“It’s Wrong Ron, here, Psycho Anna”.

PAL: So long no talk!  How are you going?
WR:  Likewise; sorry for the long wait.  I’m doing okay. 

PAL:  What have you been up to.
WR:  Well, I wanted to hire a chaplain for the team, since the AFL teams seem to have chaplains for the players.  We hired a bloke called Pastor Mark Buck

PAL:  Pastor Buck, eh?
WR:  Yes, but “pass the buck” is not his work ethic, fortunately.  We managed to recruit him from a church.  The church wanted him to get more experience in a variety of circumstances. 
PAL:  Which church?
WR:  He came from the Faith, Hope, Love, Light and Life Christian Community Church of St Peter, Paul and Mary.

PAL:  Is that the only one so named in the world!
WR:  Well, there’s one in the deep south of the USA called the FIRST Faith, Hope, Love, Light and Life Christian Community Church of St Peter, Paul and Mary.

PAL:  How is he doing?
WR:  Quite well.  He had a big task to perform right away.  The BARF funds have been delayed and we had to stay in Melbourne.  There may be a trip OS in the future.  Mal Prop needed serious counselling when that news broke.

PAL: So what have you been doing with the group?
WR:  Basically roaming around Melbourne and teaching children how to play Aussie Rules Football.  It’s been lots of fun, but the team is itching to move further afield.

PAL: And how has your group gelled?
WR:  Well, let me today just tell you about our first two members.  I’ll fill you in about the others in due course.  Mal Prop is a Cat fan and, as mentioned before, Ann Aerobic goes for the Magpies. 

          The first time that this became an issue was shortly after they signed up.  The 2010 prelim was a Collingwood / Geelong affair and the experts were having trouble picking a winner.  Both Mal and Ann were extremely confident.  The problem was that Mal had arranged to give a talk at a special sports evening at his old high school. 

          He had agreed to do this on the basis that the Cats were going to beat the Saints in the first week of the finals and play the Saturday night prelim.  Trouble was, they lost and were scheduled to play the in form Pies on the Friday night.  The whole team went to the school to listen to him speak.

          Because he was due to give his speech during the course of the game, we all agreed that we would not get any progress scores and watch the replay afterwards. 

PAL: Sounded like a good plan!
WR:  It was, Psycho Anna, but Mal became very tense – trying to forget about the Cats while concentrating on his speech.  I was sitting with him just off stage along with several others.  Among the group were two old school boys – and I do mean old – in the room with us. 

          Each of them had to make speeches some time soon after Mal.  And both fellows had their own special “tonic” to calm themselves down.  I was dubious about the contents of these mysterious potions.  Both chaps were trying to get Mal try their tonics. 

          Mal was getting more and more nervous as his time approached.  He was told he would be on in two minutes.  Just then, one of stage hands peered down at his mobile phone.  The guy looked up and exclaimed, “Collingwood is 62 points up, and it’s not even half time”.

          Well, Mal was beside himself; showing signs of catatonia.  I yelled out, “Give the catatonic Cat a tonic!” 

          Each old fellow thrust his own special tonic in front of Mal.  He grabbed one bottle and drank the lot; then repeated the dose with the other.  He looked refreshed again.   Briskly, he strode onto the stage, reached into his jacket pocket for his notes and promptly collapsed in front of everyone. Apparently, there was an adverse chemical reaction when the two tonics were mixed.

PAL: Oh, no, Wrong Ron! 
WR:  We had to carry him off the stage.  Next morning he was awake enough to watch the replay to confirm the bad news.  Then he needed MORE counselling from Mark Buck. The team met to decide on suitable disciplinary action.  It was agreed that he would have to wear a Collingwood footy jumper from lunch time of Grand Final day until the winner was decided.

          While he hoped to have it on for only a few hours, the match was drawn and he had to wear it all week.  We let him take it off at night and Ann Aerobic even washed it for him – not a common practice but she was enjoying Mal’s punishment too much to risk an excuse for not wearing it the whole week.

          Ann told Mal that it was the end of a Geelong era and that the Cats could not possibly beat the Pies for another 5 years.  Of course, the Pies lost 2 home and away games for the entire 2011 season – both to Geelong. 

Then the teams met agian on Grand Final day.  The guy who looked after safety in our building went to the game.  We all stayed to watch it on TV.  However, somebody had to fill in as the safety officer for the day.  Ann Aerobic got the job.  I told her that she had to sound the alarm and get everyone assembled at the front of the building if we had any real emergency.  She nodded and we sat down to watch the game.
             Ann was upbeat when the Pies were a couple of goals up in the second quarter and still confident at half time, despite the narrow lead.  Mal sat there quietly, but became very confident late in the third quarter.  Early in the last, Ann was looking worried.  Suddenly, she was gone and the alarm was sounded.  I checked for smoke or a smell of gas.  Anyway, we dutifully assembled outside as per the emergency porcedures.
            I asked Ann what the emergency was.  She replied that the Pies were 3 goals down and in danger of losing the flag that was in the bag all season.  Mal Prop sprinted back inside to enjoy the end of the match.  For her false alarm (which she considered to be genuine), she wore a Catrs jumper for a week.


While the Grand Final loss hurt the most for Ann, she still insists that Collingwood won the round 8 clash because the Scott Pendelbury goal should have been allowed.  Mal keeps showing her the score on the AFL website.  Ann made use of the free counselling service after the Grand Final loss.

          Mal reckons the Cats will win the next 3 flags.  Ann is taking a more conservative view and is taking it 2 years at a time.  She reckons Bucks will go back to back in his first 2 years as Magpie coach.     

PAL: So they argue like Cat and Magpie all the time?
WR:  Only when the Cats and Pies play.  Oh, and they also argue about the cricket.  Mal wants Ponting dropped and Ann reckons he is about to come good.  Ann likes Ricky because he is most like her – slight of build but good at sport.  Mal reckons that’s a ridiculous reason to like a player.  He likes Warner because Warner is small and stockily built, just like Mal.

          I have been trying to educate these youngsters about the old times; you know – the 20th century and such.  So I have played them song of the old Christmas carols.  Yesterday, I gave them “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”. 

Today, Ann wrote a song for Ricky Ponting:

Good on you Ricky Ponting, I’m behind you all the way

I hope you make a century soon after Christmas Day

You need to find your touch and keep Tendulkar’s boys at bay

Good timing brings comfort and joy, comfort and joy

Good timing brings comfort and joy


Mal’s song was simpler:


Go Ricky go, go go

Go Ricky go, go go

Go Ricky go, go go


I’ll tell you about the rest of the team soon.

PAL: Thanks, Wrong Ron